6 Positive Takeaways From A Social Anxiety Attack

anxiety. the uninvited guest with much to reveal. ready or not...

here I am. feeling cut open. feeling like my brain wants to explode from the top of my head. when am I going to be over this? I should be past this. why is this even a thing. are people going to think I'm putting on a show? am I putting on a show? maybe to some extent. yeah. I've been avoiding. but I've been noticing what's going on, isn't that enough?

thoughts. thoughts after a workshop hosted at the beautiful Barre 3 studio I get to teach at. you'd think there's nothing to it, right? a group of women, no more than 20. rounding up together to learn about essential oils and crystals. I'm stoked. I taught a rad class earlier. I went home, fueled up with some clean food, then went back to take an awesome class by the studio owner, Amy. then this workshop right after. no biggy right? a fun day in the life...

so. we're sitting in a circle at the workshop and everything's good. it's supposed to be fun. it's light. it's learning. I'm feeling good, joking on top of feelings of unrest that have been slowly building up the past week. I'm doing good at playing the part. that is, until Amy says it's time to go around in a circle and introduce ourselves.

fuck.

these all too familiar feelings rush to the surface. like someone just jabbed me with an adrenaline shot. my heart starts racing. I feel my eyes widen. my thoughts pick up speed. I'm fidgety. I'm looking for my water, where did I put my water? distractions make it worse.

be normal, I command myself.

be calm, it's okay, you just need to breathe.

yeah breathe, that will help me.

I can't concentrate on what anyone else is saying because I'm too consumed in my own experience. not only am I trying to deep breathe my way out of a quickly approaching panic attack but I especially don't want other people to notice I'm having an internal fucking meltdown about introducing myself. I teach classes for these people for christ's sake. why can't I just say my name and share why I'm interested in crystals and oils.

the pattern continues to unfold. the person next to me starts talking and by that time enough anxiety has built up that I know whatever I say will be a direct reflection of my actual experience. can't fake this one.

my heart is beating so fast I swear the people around me can hear it.

be cool. breathe.

the spotlight is on me. instantly I hear it in my vocals. it's shaky. it feels like I'm battling between a frog trying to make his home in my throat and saying why tf I'm into this stuff. crystals and oils. isn't it obvious? clearly I'm a bit unstable and need some help. (joking....ish.)

I stumble through whatever I ended up saying. something like

I'mmmm marissaaaahh....

ummmm. I'm an instructorrrr here.

umm...yeeeaaahhh....talking in front of groupssss...

well uuuhhhh I likkke to learn...

ummmmmm.

I create crystal jewelllllry

uuuuhm. and I like to support krissy and amy.

in between forced smiles. to convince not myself but to convince others that I'm good. I feel my cheeks twitching. I feel my eyes giving away how completely uncomfortable I feel in this moment. over analyzing what someone's eye contact meant. did she know? she knows. oh now she's judging me. now that person is going to look at me differently. they won't want to take my class anymore. they've see this flawed creature that I am.

the shame spiral.

I don't really hear anyone else share after I went but I nod my head at moments that seem appropriate. and just like the other times this pattern has emerged, now all I can focus on is how much I don't like myself. yeah yeah, I know. I'm not this "self" anyways. right. I'm god. well, god's feeling pretty shitty in this body right now.

and what's ironic is of course here we are now discussing moving energy, focusing on the wolf you want to feed, feeling confident, feeling joyful and your girl is over here roasting in the biggest fire of the complete opposite of all those things.

this isn't my first rodeo with what feels like inexplicable anxiety around speaking in groups. I've talked to all sorts of people about their experiences with anxiety. from spiritual teachers to friends to acquaintances. maybe it's ancestral healing? maybe it's the planets. is something retrograde? maybe it's like a primal thing where all eyes on you used to mean you're what's for dinner that night. for the most part we can laugh about it and explore it lightheartedly. but when I'm in it, boy am I in it.

this is a theme that's made itself apparent this life. it's one that I look forward to ironing out in myself so I can offer my learnings to those who will benefit. here are some initial takeaways that I've been receiving since it happened:

1. when you're avoiding uncomfortable feelings. when you don't give them enough of your loving attention to be seen, felt, and released... they build. they well up. and when a container keeps filling after having reached it's point of max inflation, it explodes. what comes out doesn't always seem to relate to the actual trigger but it's all interwoven. all surface triggers can be traced back down to one or two core wounds. this was my inner child, the wounded self - whatever you wanna call it. this was it's way of getting my attention. through something that would really make my ego cry. which leads to my next point:

2. the only part of me that was torn up about this experience is the part of me that wants to be a certain way in the eyes of others. the soul knows this is a necessary part of evolution. it's not meant to always feel good in the moment. and if everything is actually here to support this inevitable unfolding then I guess this situation and the other ones that are similar in nature fall into that category: everything. well shucks.

3. judgement is what initiates a downward spiral. the situation came and went quickly. but I kept digging myself deeper with all the negative self talk that ensued rather than just noticing, feeling, and allowing. I'm sure none of the lovely women at the workshop even thought twice about it. and even if they did, judgement whether directed inward or outward can be used as a tool to notice where we have unprocessed emotions.

4. moments that cause emotional upheaval invite us to look directly at what we've been trying to look around. even if we don't come to a solution as soon as we'd like, the exploration can take us down avenues we wouldn't have ventured otherwise that are in greater alignment with our soul's intention.

5. I talked to my friend krissy afterwards, another barre 3 instructor, and told her what was up. she presented the oils part of the workshop. she said (paraphrasing) "when you were talking and I made eye contact with you, I actually felt really connected to you. I felt like you were more relatable. if you were this perfect person with nothing ever going on I wouldn't want to hang out with you." oh yeah. this is about keeping things real. thanks krissy.

6. lastly, even though I've had this experience in group settings happen many times (even during family gatherings) I also knew that my intention with this site would shake things up. draw experiences in. like an initiation. how committed am I to serving my mission? well. I'm in.

side note - as I'm editing this I feel much differently about the whole thing. like I can smile and appreciate this very human experience. something as casual as sharing about myself in a small group can cause so much internal ruckus. neat. it's like, removing myself from the story and talking about it as the narrator allows more space for compassionate introspection. a mindful detachment but not in a dissociative way. like a this actually feels really good and right and healing kinda way.

as always, my intention for sharing my life is in hopes that it can bring insight to your own experiences. at the very least my hope is that you can relax into whatever circumstances feel judgy and hard to move through and remember this is not a race to any finish line. actually there is no line. in fact, think of it more like your 3 year old took a crayon and thought it would be fun to decorate your living room wall kinda doodle. but. nevertheless. no matter how much you've traversed already, this journey continues. and I'm here with you. in heart and in god.

if you have a similar experience you want to share or thoughts/feelings that arose while reading, please comment below! Blessings my friends.